It's impossible to know which side drew first blood. For as long as Wimbledon has existed, it has had to contend with the pigeons, invaders hell bent on dive-bombing players, leaving droppings on tables, and even taking a stroll on Centre Court. On Monday, tournament officials escalated the conflict by calling in special forces to cull the offensive.

Wimbledon's usual security measures to keep the pigeon offensive at bay were just not cutting it on Monday. It was time to move to more extreme contingencies.

Calls were made, and shortly, the cavalry arrived. Armed forces were deployed, and, it got ugly real fast for the pigeons. Beaks and droppings were no match for the marksmen hired by tournament officials. It was over quickly.

The All England's Club first line of defense were two hawks, typically used to keep the birds away from the courts. Unfortunately, there was a breach in security, and the pigeons made several unchecked offensives.

"The hawks are our first line of deterrent, and by and large they do the job," Wimbledon spokesman Johnny Perkins told reporters.

The People of the Ethical Treatment of Animals were shocked and appalled. They condemned the escalation of military forces at the Battle of Wimbledon to be "cruel and illegal behavior."

At this time, no war crimes have been levied against tournament officials, or the marksmen they hired.